Cocktail Party Etiquette for the Host and Guest

Tips for Hosting a Cocktail Party
For this week’s blog, I’m getting some help from my friend, Modern Etiquette Coach, Maggie Oldham. My husband and I attended one of Maggie’s dining etiquette classes last year and learned so much. She really has a great knack for making etiquette modern and relevant in today’s world. That’s why I asked for her help when I had some etiquette questions for my cocktail party that I had last month.  We chatted on the phone about some of my questions and I thought it would be a great idea for an upcoming blog post.  So here are the Maggie’s Modern Cocktail Party Etiquette Tips for the Host and Guest:

Cocktail Party Etiquette for the Host:

How do you gently ask people to leave? A great way to signal that the party is coming to a close without having to directly and verbally ask guests to leave is to gradually start turning on lights, turning down the music and beginning the cleanup. Guests will get the hint that it’s time to leave when they see you putting dishes in the sink or tying up the trash. This, in addition to the lights, will give guests a visual clue while the music gives and aural clue. If none of those actions seem to be working, it’s totally fine to be honest with your guests and say (starting with your closest friends/guests), “We’ve had such an incredible evening, but unfortunately we have to get up early tomorrow to [insert activity here]. We will definitely plan something again soon!”

How to indicate that you don’t want children at the party?
 There are a few options for this, mostly revolving around the invitation. If you’re designing an actual paper invitation to be mailed out (or even just the image of the invitation to be emailed or texted), it’s acceptable to write “Adults only please” in italics below the RSVP line. If you’re sending out an electronic invitation through a website (think Evite or Paperless Post) where you can write a message to guests, you could write something clever to indicate that children are not invited, something along the lines of “We’re looking forward to toasting our friends at this party exclusively for the grown-ups,” or even simpler, “We’re excited to see everyone at this adult party.” The one thing you don’t want to say is “No children” or “Children not allowed” as that has more of a negative and offensive connotation.
How do you make it so people don’t go into certain areas of the house? Keep doors closed to rooms that are not being used for the party. To prevent people from going up or down stairs, place a chair or stool in front of the steps and brighten it up with a vase of flowers. If you think guests may wander around in an effort to find the restroom, print or draw a cute sign with an arrow towards the restrooms, and place it in a picture frame to divert guests in the right direction.
Is it rude to ask people to take their shoes off? Yes! If you don’t want people walking in their shoes in your home, don’t host a party! Or, take your party outdoors if you’re that concerned about the possibility of dirt and germs coming into your home from guests’ shoes. A good cleaning the next day will erase any little remnants from shoes, but if it truly bothers you then host your party at another venue. It is so embarrassing and awkward for guests to remove their shoes

Cocktail Party Etiquette for the Guest:

Is it polite to ask the host for a tour of their home? Generally, no, it is not polite to ask for a tour. A person’s home is private and you should not put your host on the spot. An exception to this would be at a party that is specifically a “housewarming party” which is generally only held for close friends only, and, in that case, the host will typically have the house on display. The other exception would be if you are attending a party at a house of architectural or historic significance. But even then, it might still be considered rude to explicitly ask for a tour. Instead, you could say something like “What a beautiful home! I love the architecture and the interior decor” and then see if your host offers a tour, which you could then enthusiastically accept.

When I’m invited to a party, do I need to bring a gift? This is on a case by case basis. When you SHOULD: 1.) When the party is held in the host’s home, and 2.) When are you attending a party outside of someone’s home in celebration of a guest of honor (birthday party, retirement, 50th anniversary, shower, etc.). When it’s NOT expected: 1.) When you are attending a party outside of someone’s home and it is not a celebration for a guest of honor, and 2.) When the party is held in the host’s home but the invitation says “In lieu of gifts”. When you should bring a gift, what kind of gift to bring? If you know the host or guest of honor drinks, then a bottle of wine is always a welcome and safe bet. Otherwise, fresh flowers or something for the home such as a scented candle is wonderful gift for any occasion.

What do you do if the party host has a shoes off policy?  Do you have to follow it? Reconsider your choice of friends! Just kidding! Kind of, haha. But see answer above to this question. If your host unexpectedly asks you to remove shoes (which is rude), it is, in this case, your right to politely say, “I’d really prefer to leave them on if you don’t mind.” 

How important is it to actually RSVP to the party? If the invitation says “RSVP”, it is crucial to respond. The invitation is specifically and explicitly asking you to. If the invitation does not say “RSVP,” then it is not important to respond. If the invitation says “RSVP with regrets only” then respond only if you cannot make it. If you’re a host asking for RSVP, then be sure to include a “by date” so that you don’t have responses trickling in at the last minute. And as a guest, be sure to follow the “by date.”
If the hostess is really busy, do you have to say goodbye before you leave? If it’s a smaller party, say less than 50 people, yes, you should try to say a quick ‘goodbye’, and more importantly, a ‘thank you.’ If it’s a large party, say over 50 people, then don’t sweat it if you can’t find the host before leaving. A follow-up text or phone call the next day thanking them will suffice.

About Maggie:

Maggie OldhamMaggie Oldham is a Modern Etiquette Coach and etiquette expert. Through her workshops, speaking engagements, and blog, she provides expert etiquette advice for successfully and confidently navigating modern life situations for the 21st century — from upscale dinners and chic pool parties, to business meetings and everyday social occasions.  Her approach to etiquette is unique in that she has expertly updated traditional etiquette advice to apply specifically to today’s contemporary society. 

She completed her etiquette training and education at the Institut Villa Pierrefeu Finishing School in Glion, Switzerland where she received certificates in The European Art of Dining and International Etiquette and Protocol. She received an Etiquette Consultant Certificate from IAP Career College and is currently a member of the International Association of Professional Etiquette Consultants.

Maggie has appeared on CBS and FOX News, and featured in USA Today, Men’s Health, Real Simple, MSN, Yahoo! Celebrity, Reader’s Digest and more.